Who were you before the world told you not to be that person?

There was a moment for me in my last full-time role where I stood back and realized I was the woman that I always pictured myself being when I was young. As someone who lived so much of my life not knowing who I was and what I wanted, this felt really huge. I tear up even thinking about it, because it was such a tower moment in my life. It’s hard to stop and take it all in, but step by step, I made it here.

It started with depression, anxiety, and confusion. I remember a few months before the pandemic, looking at my life and realizing there wasn’t a single unique thing about me. My entire life was go to work, do the thing, come home, cook dinner, watch tv, and go to bed. I saw my husband for maybe 3.5 hours a night because he had an hour-and-a-half commute in traffic. I had no real hobbies or interests, and god forbid someone asks me what I do for fun. It left me feeling more hollow and alone than I had felt in a long time. 

A few months after that, the pandemic hit. I remember watching little red dots pop up on a website tracking outbreaks, back when it was still 1-2 a day. That slowly grew, and eventually, the office I was working in sent us home. My life became a slog of teaching older employees how to use Zoom, being yelled at when they struggled, and just trying to stay alive. I didn’t exactly see things looking up any time soon.

A friend reached out, and she was putting on a course called F Perfect. It was all about how as women, we struggle to try new things, or pursue our own happiness because the idea of not doing it perfectly stops us from getting started. I didn’t identify as a perfectionist, but I sure as hell struggled with trying new things because I just expected I would hate them (since I wouldn’t be perfect on the first try.) I never sign up for courses, I’m a die-hard skeptic who loves to do things on my own, but I trusted Olive, and went for it. What I quickly learned was my fear of perfectionism and failure was holding me back. Not just in work, but across the board. I wouldn’t speak up in my marriage because god forbid I inconvenience someone else with my needs. I happily attended all of my husband’s activities but never took the time to figure out what I was wanting to do with my time.

I started choosing myself. I left that job, and tried a new one. It sucked. So I quit, and I started freelancing instead just 9 months later. I went to flower farms and picked flowers and had my husband take cute photos. I started romanticizing my life. I found joy again in small things I hadn’t noticed in years. I tried new hobbies, even if I was terrible at them (looking at you, pottery). And slowly, my life began to blossom. We’re so quick to give up if we don’t see the fruits of our labor immediately, but everything in life needs time to bloom.

And what bloomed was a new season of my life. One where I could find the energy needed to be the person I always wanted to be. For me, that looked like working as an independent contractor, and then eventually creating Tech Savvy Assistant. It taught me that I am capable of more things than I could have ever imagined. When I made space for myself, my desires, my life shifted. There were huge steps, like quitting jobs and going to therapy and there were small steps, like doing crafts I would have loved as a kid. I wear a lot more pink these days. I write, because I’m no longer worried about what others will think about it. I’m just happy to be here and see where things take me. I have faith in myself, and where my journey will go. I’ve found the person I was before society told me not to be that person.

It’s important to note, I also got diagnosed with ADHD during that time, and was prescribed medication to help treat it. I also attend therapy every other Wednesday, and happily keep it on my calendar during presentations, because I think it is something that should be normalized to discuss in our society. I couldn’t do this alone. I have a supportive network of medical professionals, my husband, and peers that I am grateful for every day. We all deserve a community to lean on during tough times.